We’ve all been there. Caught up in the post good sex hypnosis, dealing with an actual asshole. “But the sex is so good” we say to ourselves, hoping to cover up for the fact that there are emotional and mental needs that will never be met. We brush these doubts under the rug because “at least we’re getting laid” all with the lingering feeling that the sex is only good because you might share a couple of kinks. Well, this shit ends here. I’m tired of being considered overbearing because I happen to care about the person who I’m fucking. 20 year old me would LOVE this no strings dating environment that’s prevalent in 2020. 30 year old me is terrified that I’m not just out here fucking, I’m actually getting fucked.

And here’s a disclaimer because I know I’ll get a lot of people who see girls having casual sex. This post has nothing to do with couples who have come to an understanding simply for sex. This post is about people who use emotional manipulation in order to get others in bed. Not everyone is made for casual sex encounters and that’s OK. Don’t change your ideals or what makes you emotionally comfortable simply to appease somebody who you think you want in your life. It’s OK that everybody around you just wants to hook up but you don’t, it’s OK if you feel like you want a relationship. It’s NOT ok to pressure anyone into giving up their ideals simply so you get laid.

I really want to reiterate, this has nothing to do with people who willingly engage in casual sex. I’ll give you an example: there’s a really hot person that you’re attracted to and you come on strong. That person pushes back, and let’s you know that they are not interested in meaningless sex. Instead of moving on, and finding someone else who also wants no strings, you decide to act as if you are interested in actually dating. You allow the other person to now expose themselves emotionally, all so you can get laid. Then the other person is left wondering why you only want to see each other at night or why there is no real effort. As someone who has been both people in this scenario let me just say, a happy pussy does not always make a happy heart.

I’ll be 100% honest, I have been guilty of being this person. I’m guilty of pursuing men and then ghosting after a lackluster sexual experience. 20 something year old me was out here getting her kicks, despite the little feelings I might’ve hurt along the way. But I’m 30 now. I understand the difference between right and wrong. If I date now, I expect my counterparts to be able to be honest about their intentions. If you’re just looking to fuck, be honest. If you’re looking to fall in love within a couple of dates, warn me. Communication is genuinely the key to any good relationship. Romantic or otherwise. If you’re an adult over 30 and are still having trouble with not manipulating people to get what you want, you need to reevaluate. There is really no excuse for being a shitty human.

And it’s not easy, being self aware. In fact, many of us are terrified to really look at the person in the mirror and understand them. We judge ourselves yet allow anything from others. Respect is not a one way street. We must give it to ourselves in order to demand it from the relationships around us. Even if we don’t really like the person who we are, we have to respect the journey. A person who respects themselves will understand how to respect others. When you really listen to the person in the mirror, you will find out what, more than sex, you value in your relationships.

I have dealt with my fair share of unsavory partners. Some downright abusive, but I don’t beat myself up over it. In life we are given the chance to do or to not, and all of these decisions, all of those unpleasant experiences, taught me what I’m looking for. I have had good sex with assholes, and horrible sex with absolute sweethearts. Hoping to find what I wanted. And while for some sex doesn’t matter in love, I had to admit that sex very much mattered to me. The learning experience was valuing it, but not more than respect.