Before I go any further, I just want to clarify that this post is satire. When referring to drug dealers in this post I am referring to Weed dealers. I do not support the sale or use of hard drugs, nor do I support gun or gang violence in relation to the sale of weed. This post is strictly for fun.

It’s a known fact that when you smoke weed you happen to collect a line up of suppliers. And while most would dissuade you from dating these seedy individuals, I understand that sometimes we just can’t help but like them. Especially nowadays, when some of these dealers are making big moves in the cannabis industry. It’s no secret that I don’t have a type, but if I did that type would probably carry a large amount of marijuana at any given time. It’s for this reason that I decided to put together this Guide to Dating a Drug Dealer, but first, let’s start from the beginning.

5. Your New Man, is Your New Supplier

Leaving machista ideals behind, there is no bigger betrayal than your woman smoking on some other guy’s weed. Sure ladies, we have options aplenty, especially nowadays when going to the dispensary is as easy as pulling up with your ID. But, if that man is out here hustlin, especially if he has his own strain or brand, he’s going to want his woman to only smoke his stuff. Most weed dealers I’ve dated were more than willing to keep my lungs fed, that’s why loyalty is so important to them. No better self promotion than his hottie smokin his supply.

4. Get Comfortable in His Car

Most men in the industry rely heavily on their car to get their product to their customers. Most suppliers feel like making moves constitute a date. If you’re ok with this, make sure to get comfy in his car. Pack some snacks, get a good playlist going, and get your rolling fingers ready because you have many days of passenger side sight seeing ahead of you. Most girls would look down on car dates, but drug dealers spend most of their day making runs. If he wants to bring you along, trust me ladies, it’s a compliment. 

3. All Day and all Night, his Phone will Ring.

The first thing that I had a problem with was the constant notifications from his phone. At dinner or in bed, or in between my legs, his phone was going off. At first, the inner jealous me had a major problem with it. But ladies, let’s reconsider. If your man has an average number of 20 customers (sometimes it could be double or triple this amount) they will have at least 3 people hitting them up on a daily basis. And we all know people are insistent when it comes to drugs. My biggest advice here is to just remain confident, these are business calls to the office. Not booty calls.

2. Don’t Forget to Upgrade Him

Ladies, when you’re dealing with a drug dealer, you’re dealing with a business man. Drug dealers are in charge of all of their own pricing, brand, and even marketing. And while men do an amazing job all on their own, there’s really nothing like a woman’s touch. Don’t be afraid to provide input, advice, and even the occasional criticism. Remember that this is a business, any business owner is proud and always happy to talk about their business. Cultivate that entrepreneur mentality in your man with solid business advice.

1. Be The President of His Fan Club

The cannabis community is very new, and with that comes all sorts of talk of what’s legal and what the general population considers respectable work. While the vast majority of the population still looks down on people who sell weed, a high percentage of those same people buy it. It’s important for you to cheer for your man, remind him that you’re proud of his entrepreneurial spirit. Remind him that the cannabis industry is on the rise, especially in our city. 

There are countless love songs written about drug dealers. From Mary J Blige crooning “You’re All I Need” to Khia letting us know that the “best head comes from a thug”, we have romanticized the idea of the loving drug dealer who deals with the streets and then slays in the sheets. In 2020, drug dealers not only have morals, they also have Instagrams and reputations to uphold. We no longer live in a world where selling weed is taboo, nowadays these people are vending at legit events, having real discussions about weed, and influencing the thousands of cannabis consumers in Chicago. Protect local Cannabis Dealers in Chicago.